Quotes from Conan O'brienFrom: Ken Willson (firstname.lastname@example.org)
For those of you who dont' know, every once in a while on late night with conan obrien they do a segment in which they look all the way "in to the year 2000." I sorted through a list of pretty much all of them and distilled the very best... enjoy. In the year 2000.... Della Reese will star in a spin-off of Touched By An Angel, called Touched By A Huge Black Woman. The U.S. Mint will stop releasing commemorative quarters from all fifty states, after Illinois decides it would be funny to rearrange the letters in E PLURIBUS UNUM to spell PENIS LUBRUUUM. A pill will be developed that allows men to get pregnant, but they will all die in childbirth because they don't have vaginas. The stock market will crash again, this time on the couch of its old college roommate. Colgate will come out with a new toothpaste that not only whitens teeth, but makes them Anglo-Saxon Protestant. Men will actually begin desiring women who have great personalities. In a related story, breasts will be renamed 'personalities.' In taste tests, spermicidal jelly will overtake petroleum jelly as America's favorite poisonous, non-edible jelly. The twentieth anniversary of the release of the Christopher Cross song Sailing will be celebrated, but only by Christopher Cross. Crows will change their call from the familiar ''caw caw'' to the more interesting ''Hey, Kevin, watch me nail that mailman with my poo.'' After years of research, literary scholars will prove once and for all that William Shakespeare was not the author of Are You There, God? It's Me, Margeret. A drunken Billy Joel will burst into a bar and yell, ''Hey everyone, the Piano Man's here!'' He will be killed in a hail of beer nuts. Pop Tarts will lose popularity when they no longer just pop out of the toaster, but leap out, shake their fists, and in a voice choked with emotion, remind you that they're alive, damnit, alive! A brave Britney Spears will travel to Chechnya in an attempt to convince warring Chechens and Russians that her breasts are real. The makers of Camel cigarettes will angrily deny charges that they're targeting kids with the new character in their advertising campaign, Smokemon. In a tell-all autobiography, the planet Jupiter swears that it never had a red spot until after it had unprotected sex with Venus. ABC's spin-off of Who Wants to be a Millionaire flops as they record low ratings with Who Wants to be Ernest Borgnine's Human Lollipop. Militant atheists take over the United States and order the closings of all churches, synagogues, and T.G.I. Fridays. Tired of being labeled as drunks by people of other ethnic groups, Irish people will get together, get drunk, and beat up other ethnic groups. Kevin Costner will be forced to make a sequel to For the Love of the Game, entitled For the Love of God, Stop Making Movies. Animals will take over the farm just like in the novel Animal Farm, but instead of setting up a failed communist regime, they will simply go poop in the house. Former members of the musical groups Sha Na Na and Bow Wow Wow will unite to form the supergroup, Crap. Shamu the Killer Whale will admit that he never actually killed, but was standing nearby when his friend blew away a liquor store clerk. The makers of Certs will lose public confidence when they refuse to admit what Retsin is, except to say that it is 'a byproduct of the porn industry.' Sick and tired of being told what they can watch, babies will start their own television network. It will feature such popular shows as Faucet Leaking on to Old Blue Sponge, I Make Poo Poo Like Doggie, and Suddenly Susan. Charmin is forced to produce a new ten-ply toilet paper after Taco Bell introduces its new 'Diarrheato Supreme.' Sales of Copper Tone suntan products will decline drastically when they change their logo from a little girl with her bathing suit being tugged by a dog, to a fireman having his bottom fondled by Ed Asner. Bill Paxton and Bill Pullman will finally give up and decide to become the same guy. Children will actually be encouraged to run with scissors when we are invaded by the paper people. Winona Ryder will start acting in porno movies and not have to change her name. People will no longer mind being put on hold when hold music is replaced by the breathy kittenish moans of Alyssa Milano. After Hillary looses her senate race, the Clintons sell their suburban New York home. The ad reads: five bedrooms, four bathrooms and one secret tunnel to Hooters. No longer embarrassed about his religious upbringing, Dr. Pepper will begin using his real name, Dr. Sheldon Weintraub. Due to political correctness, the country of 'Uruguay,' will be forced to change its name to 'Uriguay, but there's nothing wrong with that.' It will be revealed that the only reason the mitten was invented was because something cute was needed to rhyme with kitten. To compete with Chinese restaurants, Taco Bell will offer it's own version of the fortune cookie, called the 'fortune tostada.' The most common fortune found in the tostada, 'Tonight you will have crippling diarrhea.' In one of the most negative, ruthless presidential campaigns ever, candidates will run ads accusing their opponents of coming up with the idea for Jar-Jar Binks. Computers will be convinced that it is the year is 1900. They will support President McKinley, grow handlebar mustaches, and crack the heads of the filthy Irish. A teenage boy will smoke his first marijuana cigarette, within an hour he will laugh at the thought of a horse riding a jockey, instead of the other way around. Singer Meatloaf will become a spokesman for a company that makes meat loaf, Vanilla Ice will become a spokesman for a company that makes vanilla ice, and MC Hammer will be arrested for stealing a bike. Everyone on earth will become flesh-eating zombies. When the flesh is all gone, they will be dirt-eating zombies. Hence after that, some will reluctantly go to the Olive Garden. In an effort to disprove ethnic stereotypes, 20 polish people will get together to change a light bulb. It will not take 1 to hold the bulb and 19 to turn the ladder, but 19 to hold the bulb and 1 to turn the ladder. The trend of making teen movies out of classic literature will continue, when Dostoevsky's 'Brothers Karamazov' will be remade as 'Boner Party USA.' Magician David Blaine will perform his most death-defying feat yet, spending 10 minutes underneath Starr Jones. Calista Flockhart and former MTV VJ Jessie Camp get married and give birth to a healthy bouncing single strand of DNA. To stop all the skinny jokes, Calista Flockhart puts on 400 pounds. Unfortunately, everyone else puts on 800 pounds and the ridicule begins anew. The number '3' will be outlawed, thereby making all omelets either too large or too small. The film 'The Matrix II' is released, containing the most amazing special effects to date, including an unbelievable scene where it appears Keanu Reeves can read. Charles Manson is finally released from prison when the parole board cannot satisfactorily answer his question 'What makes me any worse than Joan Lunden?' Crayola Crayons will be forced to change the name of its crayon 'Burnt Siena' when Dodgers catcher Carlos Siena spontaneously bursts into flames. Hypochondriacs the world over will stop believing that they're sick all the time, when they all die of disease. Authorities discover a fool proof means of identifying the clinically insane: tracking order forms for the new George and Barbara Bush sex video. The old adage that "guns don't kill people, people kill people" is forever deemed invalid when a woman gives birth to a gun and it grows up and stabs her. Leonardo Dicaprio will once again have to face rumors that he's gay when he stars in the movie: "My name is Leonardo Dicaprio and I am gay". The Catholic church will decide that it needs a leader one step above the Pope. His title will be Captain Popetastic. Rock music will all be done by computers, and as a result, computers will get a lot more oral sex. Incredibly, a priest, a rabbi, and a buddist monk will find actually themselves on a crashing plane that has only one parachute. Ironically, that parachute will have been packed by a polish guy and will contain only camping equipment. Microsoft will go out of business and Bill Gates will be bankrupt after the disastrous release of their latest product Windows Kevin Costner. An aging and senile ex-President Clinton will legally change his name to 'Bubba Wanna Burger Chief Booty Knocker'. "In a legendary marketing blunder, Kellogg's will replace the two scoops of raisins in Raisin Bran with two scoops of Milton Berle." "Conan O'Brien's book about his own sexual escapades will be banned by school boards not for explicit descriptions of sex, but for inaccurate descriptions of sex." "Years of sophisticated testing will prove that the stain on Monica Lewinsky's dress is actually mustard. Mustard from the head of Bill Clinton's penis." "For security reasons, the government will declare it illegal to say numbers out loud. And the singing of numbers will be punishable by death." "The lamb shall lie down with the lion. The lion shall lie down with lamb. And Max Weinberg will try to get in on the action." "Marlon Brando will go on on a crash diet and lose 235 pounds, thereby earning himself the nickname 'Fatass.'" "A dolphin trainer at Sea World will shock the audience by getting down on one knee and asking his dolphin to marry him. The dolphin will say no, not because the man is human, but because he's not Jewish." "Thanks to new telephone technology, call waiting will no longer involve hearing a little click, but rather, feeling a little tongue." "New research in geometry will result in the renaming of several familiar shapes. New Year's Eve in New York will be celebrated in Times Oval, and teenage boys everywhere will participate in rhombus jerks." "Mothers will no longer call for 'time-outs' when disciplining their children, but instead will use the more accurate phrase 'Now go sit in a corner and shut your hole while Mommy has a drink.'" "Computers will finally be able to simulate human feelings. Unfortunately, the only one they choose to act on is 'horny.'" "Pigs will convert to Orthodox Judaism but, shockingly, will begin eating pork." "The Jerry Springer Hotel Porno tape is finally released, and the public learns a horrible truth: Jerry can only climax while being hit over the head with a chair." "After too many years of non-stop rampages El Nino decides to check himself into the Betty Ford Clinic. Three months later, he emerges as the eleventh husband of Elizabeth Taylor." "God will schedule a press conference to announce the firing of Jesus and the hiring of Jet's coach Bill Parcell." "America realizes that Jenny McCarthy is more than a big-breasted blonde with goofy facial expressions and finally begins to appreciate her dynamite ass." "The Mir space station will finally crash to earth, but not before completing it's most important experiment, to see how long it takes for a big hunk of Russian made crap to fall out of the sky." "A desperate, sex-starved Monica Lewinsky will be spotted licking rocks at the base of Mount Rushmore." "To simplify police work, a new federal law will require all know sex offenders to change their name to Kennedy." "The public demand that the NBA expand to a 52 week schedule. Not for the love of the game, but to keep Shaquile O'Neil too busy to make lame movies." "China's overpopulation problem will reach new levels when people discover what an exceptionally pleasurable lubricant duck sauce is." "The world is rocked when Colonel Sander's secret recipe is discovered to be; one part salt, one part sage and the gayest chicken that money can buy." " An even more shocking home videotape of Pamela and Tommy Lee will come out. This one featuring the two of them adding and subtracting." "The Spice Girls will once again be famous when MTV's The Real World decides to focus on five middle aged, out of work skanky hags." "Jerry Springer will make a desperate attempt at respectability when he cancels his show on 'big breasted nympho cheerleaders' and replaces it with 'big breasted nympho economists.'" The federal deficit will finally be wiped out when the US government begins betting against the New York Jets." "Dr. Jack Kevorkian will die and go to heaven. The next day seven angels will be found dead in the back of God's van." "Burt Reynolds will be taken in for questioning by NASA when it's discovered that the hole in the ozone directly corresponds to the size of his toupee." "New evidence of OJ's guilt emerges when records show that on the day before the crime he applied at Los Angeles County Court for a murder license." "The planets Jupiter, Mars and Neptune will suddenly stop spinning when they realize they can get just as strong a head rush sniffing glue." "Movo introduces it's safest automobile yet. Upon impact, Anna Nicole Smith springs up from underneath the dashboard, pushes her breasts in your face and squeals, 'I love you daddy.'" "Zoologists will finally figure out why pandas in captivity refuse to mate. They're holding out for a three-way." "The American educational system will be thrown into chaos when a grown man in Illinois actually uses algebra in real life." "Mormons will decide that their religion is too strict and will begin drinking coffee, the occasional beer and the blood of the elderly." "Space aliens will come to earth intending to deliver a message of universal peace and wisdom. Unfortunately they land on the stage at Def Comedy Jam and end up only telling jokes about how big their women's booties are." "Believers in extraterrestrials will be devestated when strange, high frequency signals from outer space turn out to be coming from John Glenn's Medic Alert bracelet." "Scientists will discover the reason for the Loch Ness monster's seclusion. It doesn't like Scottish people." "The Postman Part II will be released. It will be an award-winning documentary about Kevin Costner's current job as a low-paid guy who sorts mail." "God at last reveals himself to humans, who are shocked and appalled by his really bad comb-over." "In an effort to make fast food even faster, McDonalds will begin pumping their food directly into customer's stomachs. To keep pace Wendy's will pump their food directly into people's toilets." "The hyphen will be replaced by the dash, and the dash will be replaced by the hyphen. No one will notice." "After millions of years of stability the food chain will suddenly reverse. Zebras will hunt down lions, Pop Tarts will hunt down man." "In a final desperate attempt to repair it's image, Texaco announces it's new board of directors. The cast of 'Moesha.'" Magician David Copperfield will finally reveal how he does his amazing tricks; He's Jesus." "Computers will develop personalities, but John Tesh will stay the same." "At the Miss America Pageant, viewers will vote to keep the "Faking an Orgasm" competition." "Bob Dole will resign the presidency after recording his hit single, 'That Bitch One Nasty Ho!'" "When things go very wrong, it will be a medley of peas and carrots that will hit the fan." Jesus will return to earth, supposedly to help us begin a new era of peace and spiritual awakening. In reality however, he'll spend most of his time golfing with Vernon Jordan." Penguins will begin having senior proms, but will surprisingly still rent tuxes. Gangsta rappers become even more controversial after the release of Snoop Doggy Dogg's new album 'Messin' Up Da Pope.' Women begin eating fried foods and smoking cigarettes more than ever. Experts attribute this to the popularity of the new magazine 'Fat Ass, Bad Breath Vogue.' A penniless Monica Lewinsky will be unable to pay her legal fees. When asked to comment, her lawyers say 'Don't worry, we've made other arrangements.' Rocker Tommy Lee passes away. The world is deeply saddened, not by his death, but by his decision to not be an organ donor. As a conclusive sign that society has grown more violent, the 'Give a penny, take a penny' dish at cash registers will be replaced with the far less popular 'Give a penny, take a beating' dish. Dogs will begin using photo IDs to identify themselves, but will continue to sniff each others' butts just for the fun of it. The military changes its 'don't ask, don't tell' policy in favor of the controversial 'Prove you're gay, I'll be waiting in the foxhole' policy. Who wants to marry a millionare winner 'Darva Conger' will continue her effort to stay out of the public eye when she asks that her name not be on the credits of her 9th consecutive hardcore porno. A Teenager will take his first puff of marajana he will realize that Soy Milk in spanish means, I AM milk, he will laugh for six solid hours. Schools will have to change the name of "Kindergarden" when it is revealed that it is german for "Porn Garden" Peace will develop in Ireland when Cathloic Irishmen and Protistant Irishmen realize they are just all pasty white people A New sport will be created a mix of Sprinting and Louge, the event will be called... Spooge.